As you discover how to stop controlling others, you free yourself from worry, insecurity and perfectionism and move into trust, security and acceptance.
Controlling others is a coping mechanism some people use to feel secure and safe in life. Some people do it to feel like they are in charge and strong. And then there are those with a strong streak of perfectionism who need to have things just right. Things are ideal. Learning how to quit dominating people may help you if you fall into one of the following groups.
The Need to be in Control
The first step in letting go of the need to control is to identify the underlying motives and payoffs for this behavior. Explore the following questions as a way to discern your reason for controlling people.
Do you want people to follow certain steps? Do you worry that others may make mistakes or muddle things? These are signs of perfectionism. Notice the emotions that underlie your controlling behavior. Are frustration and anger at the top of the list? Do you feel relief when people do things your way?
Do you feel powerful, in charge, or better than others when you control people? This behavior may be a cover up for hidden insecurities, low self-esteem, and a false belief that you’re not good enough. Take some time to think about how you feel when you can’t control what other people do.
Do you worry about loved ones making mistakes or struggling in life? Do you tend to be a caretaker and rescuer? Do you attempt to control people’s lives in order to keep them safe? You might be projecting your anxieties and insecurities onto your family and friends. Is your anxiety reduced when you take responsibility for other people’s problems? Notice what gets triggered within when you stop trying to controlling others.
Once you’ve discovered why you control people, it’s time to replace this coping mechanism with something healthier.
Learn How to Stop Controlling
As you notice the urge to control rise within you, pause for a moment, take a relaxing breath, and see the humor in your futile behavior. This will help diffuse your automatic reaction and give you time to respond in a healthier manner. To erase this pattern from your repertoire for good, explore the following suggestions.
If perfection is your motive, learn to let go of perfectionism. Feel the freedom of accepting people and situations as they are. Heal the underlying causes of poor self-esteem. Make errors on purpose and enable others to do the same. Transcend the duality of right versus wrong.
If power is your motive, own your inner power. Find strategies to feel adequate and safe in yourself without the urge to dominate others. As you discover your inner power, your spiritual strength, and your true authentic self, you won’t need to control others as a way to prove yourself.
If worry and insecurity are your motives, learn to trust yourself and others. Heal childhood trauma through counseling or inner child work so you don’t project past-time fears onto others. Connect to a higher power to find spiritual strength and comfort. Remember that each person has their own life journey to live, including learning from mistakes and struggles. Know that deep within each person has a wealth of inner resources to tap into if given encouragement rather than being controlled.
If you truly want to discover how to stop controlling others, take time to discover yourself. This will free you from the prison of worry, insecurity and perfectionism and lead you to a place of inner security, trust and acceptance.
